I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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