If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
