Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
