Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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