This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
