Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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