Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
