I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
