moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
