Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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