Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
