I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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