There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
