DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
