No awkward lesbian experiences without me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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