after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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