Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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