Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i drank out of a bidet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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