I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
