I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
