wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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