My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
