My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
