I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
