I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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