omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
