Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
