Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
