Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just had sex on a roof
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
