he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
