Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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