Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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