You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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