i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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