my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
people are starting to question the shark bite story
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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