We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
