dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
