Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm like, not good at living.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
