I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
