KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
