Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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