Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
tequila makes me forget i have legs
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You ruined the universe
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
