I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
