and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
