Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
