I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
