Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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