Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
