I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
