i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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