just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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