Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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